A Hypocrite’s Guide to Screen Time: Adults, We Are No Better
The By-the-Numbers Reality Check:
∞ years – How long we will continue paying for the Duolingo Family Plan, because there is no escape.
Hours #1 Son spends on Snapchat: Infinite. The only way to communicate with teenagers in their natural habitat.
Hours #2 Son spends on Roblox: Also infinite. No one knows what they’re actually doing in there, but apparently, it’s crucial.
Hours I spend checking for comments & likes on Substack: I will never tell.
But if I were to tell… let’s just say I’d lose the moral high ground on the screen time lecture very quickly.
Where To Begin….
We love to lecture our teenagers about screen time, we monitor their device activity like we are the CIA. We roll our eyes as they Snapchat their friends from across the room, issue stern warnings about "too much time on Roblox," and give passionate TED Talks at the dinner table about "the dangers of social media addiction."
And yet, what are we doing while delivering these very important messages?
Refreshing our own phones, scrolling, doom-scrolling, checking likes, comments, and notifications as though our lives depend on it. If I am brutally honest (which does happen, on occasion) I find myself picking up my phone like a Pavlovian experiment gone wrong at every single ping.
Let’s be honest: we are just as addicted—if not more, than the teenagers we pretend to regulate. We monitor their screen time with military precision while our own devices are practically glued to our hands.
"Don’t spend all day staring at that screen!" we scold, while simultaneously tapping through Instagram stories and sharing them with our besties (I am particularly partial to voiceover dog videos, toddler tantrums and teenager bad-attitude memes.)
"Limit your social media!" we insist, as we deep-dive into the comment section of some ridiculous Nextdoor neighborhood debate on e-bikes we swore we wouldn’t get involved in.
"You don’t need to check your phone every five seconds!" we say, before immediately checking our phones… every five seconds. Well, maybe ten.
The hypocrisy is real.
Hello, My Name Is Josephine, and I Am Addicted to Notifications
It starts with a simple check. Just a quick glance! Next thing I know, I’ve been pulled into a vortex of Substack comments, Nextdoor debates, and that one post I commented on three hours ago that is now setting my phone on fire with notifications.
Substack, my dear Substack. One month in, I love it, but it’s ruining me. I tell myself I won’t check for new comments. I will not check. I do not care. I am above this. And yet, my fingers move of their own accord, refreshing like an addict in search of their next dopamine hit.
And let’s talk about Jim Acosta for a second. If you ever want to experience what it’s like to be fully buried alive in notifications, simply comment on a post of his. Within minutes, your phone will sound like a malfunctioning fire alarm. I am talking 10,564 alerts that will follow you to the grave. Ask me how I know? 🫣
And Then There’s Duolingo.
At some point, in a fit of optimism (or madness), we got the Family Plan. A wholesome, educational investment, we told ourselves—learning together! Expanding our minds! Fast forward to today, and now we’re all trapped in an unbreakable streak that we can never escape. I’m at 283 days, my husband just crossed 1,000, and at this point, we’re basically indentured servants to the little green owl. We will never cancel it. Ever.
Duolingo knows this. They planned for this. They don’t need contracts, just streak anxiety, guilt-driven reminders, and the quiet knowledge that we will be billed for this subscription until the day we die. Brilliant marketing.
But hey, at least I can confidently ask for tacos and cerveza, or the directions to the library in perfect Spanish. That’s something, right?
So Where’s My Support Group?
At this point, I need an intervention. Or, at the very least, a Screen Time Accountability Partner™, someone to physically remove my phone from my hands when I start a “quick check” that spirals into a three-hour deep dive into the comment section of a post that has nothing to do with my life.
The tricky part is, I don’t actually want help. I just want to pretend I need help while continuing to refresh my phone at every ping, sending myself on a dopamine rollercoaster straight to hell...and a guaranteed dead battery.
So no, I won’t be limiting my own screen time. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not while I am still paying the WiFi and phone bill. And if my kids call me out for being a hypocrite? Well, I’ll just switch that magic Downtime toggle on their Screen Time Settings to ON.
Access denied, suckers!
Who wants to come clean on many hours they spent on their phone last week? Go on, no one is watching. Well, everyone is watching but still, would be fun to see. GO!
This is so me (and actually my husband who reads aloud from the comments section of our neighbourhood app). Brilliant post Josephine!
I love voice-over dog videos! Send 'em to me!!