The Great Cucumber Con of Suburbia
I feel like the last few posts have been serious and deep and questioning all life decisions vibes so this week we are going low brow kid level. If you don’t have kids and never plan on having kids, you probably want to get your 4 minutes back and scroll on to something else more engaging and relevant.
If you do happen to be raising a tiny tyrant version of yourself, then keep reading...
You know how they say kids are master manipulators? Well, today’s tale might just take the crudité (pun very much intended!)
Last week, I went for a long-overdue catch-up hike with a girlfriend, you know, the kind of walk that’s part therapy, part dog walk, and 100% gossip goldmine, and I came home giggling like I’d just heard the world’s best stand-up set. Because friends, I must tell you about The Great Cucumber Con of Mill Valley Suburbia.
Her daughter, let’s call her “Little Miss Veggie-Phobic,” had always been suspicious of anything green. Broccoli? Offensive. Peas? Traumatic. Kale? A hate crime. But one day, in what can only be described as a parenting miracle, the tiny tyrant, think Shirley Temple meets BossBaby, announced, “I love cucumbers!”
Cue the fanfare. The family rejoiced, there were celebrations, my friend was thrilled. Finally, a vegetable this child not only tolerated but claimed to love. I remember seeing this sweet little girl back then, proudly declaring that she could eat cucumbers at every meal. I believed her. I wanted to believe her. She was believable.
Fast forward five years. Five years of cucumber, and only cucumber bliss.
Until… last weekend.
My friend woke up and decided that the chaos of her house had reached DEFCON 3, and it was time for the kind of deep clean that made her dog run away and hide. And I don’t mean a Marie Kondo “does it spark joy?” sweep. I mean full-on, move-the-appliances, scrub-the-baseboards, let’s-see-what-grew-behind-the-fridge style cleanse.
And what did she find?
Cucumbers.
Not one. Not two. A cucumber crime scene.
Behind the washer. Behind the dryer. Behind the bathroom sink (how?!). In the pantry. Under the TV. Under a couch in the garage. Cucumber corpses. Mummified cukes. Fermented lies.
Apparently, this child had been hiding cucumbers all over the house for YEARS like some kind of salad-based squirrel saving snacks for winter. When confronted, she simply blinked, brushed her locks of golden hair to one side and said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I love cucumbers.”
SOMEONE GET THIS CHILD A NETFLIX DEAL, or at the very least, a fast-track internship in political communications. The way she maintained that cucumber lie with a straight face? Cool as a cucumber, and clearly, future press secretary material.
Anyway, moral of the story: if your picky eater suddenly develops a suspiciously strong love of a formerly hated vegetable… maybe check behind your appliances. 🤷♀️
🥒 What’s the weirdest thing you ever found while cleaning? Tell me in the comments.
As the mom of this sweet/terrifying little girl, I can attest that every word of this is 100% true and I have photographic evidence. Disgusting photographic evidence.
Some of the “cucumber corpses” (hahaha) are so mummified to the floor/wall, no cleaning product has been able to completely get rid of them.
I don't have kids, but I'm glad I didn't spend four minutes reading something else. This is adorable and a little diabolical! Thanks for sharing!