Last week, I went for a long-overdue catch-up hike with a girlfriend, you know, the kind of walk that’s part therapy, part dog walk, and 100% gossip goldmine, and I came home giggling like I’d just heard the world’s best stand-up set. Because friends, I must tell you about The Great Cucumber Con of Mill Valley Suburbia.
As the mom of this sweet/terrifying little girl, I can attest that every word of this is 100% true and I have photographic evidence. Disgusting photographic evidence.
Some of the “cucumber corpses” (hahaha) are so mummified to the floor/wall, no cleaning product has been able to completely get rid of them.
My daily experience with her. Once I confronted her for obviously lying to her dad and in a rare moment where she let me in on the inner workings of her mind, she told me that if she told the truth, he was guaranteed to be mad, but if she lied, there was a chance she’d get out of it, and I was dumbstruck by the logic of her argument. She skipped away while I silently questioned my entire perspective of life.
Oh I am so glad you enjoyed it. It is always funny and surprising what resonates with others. I think there is so much content that focuses on deep and meaningful topics, that sometimes people just want a surface level OMG giggle!
May the force be with you my child! Just be warned, you may be a Mama one day, so don't do anything now that you may regret if karma gets you 20+ years from now! 🤣
Hahahaaa what a delightful story! This sounds VERY similar to my younger daughter hiding her wet overnight pull-ups and claiming to have stayed dry.
However, I told this story to my older daughter who was lying next to me while I read it, and now I'm afraid I'm going to be finding zucchinis (her personal hated veg) in all corners of the house. Sleep with one eye open, I guess!
It’s all about control. I am sure she was sick of her parents cajoling her to eat at least one veg - she wasn’t going to cave, so the only other option was to act and put on a grand performance for 5 years!
One of my sisters-in-law found a slit in the cushion of her chair at the dinner table. She managed to slip any unwanted food in that cushion for years!
This find came while shooting (photographing) a job in Costa Rica for a start up from San Francisco. This was shoot we were doing in a resort and about the employees that cleaned the rooms. To gain more space in a room I had to move a nightstand and when I did an old and dusty pair of skimpy panties appeared. And no, I did not keep them.
As the mom of this sweet/terrifying little girl, I can attest that every word of this is 100% true and I have photographic evidence. Disgusting photographic evidence.
Some of the “cucumber corpses” (hahaha) are so mummified to the floor/wall, no cleaning product has been able to completely get rid of them.
Omg Kristen! Thank you so much for weighing in. I think my favorite part is the stone faced denial, “what are you talking about? That wasn’t me!!” 👸🥒
My daily experience with her. Once I confronted her for obviously lying to her dad and in a rare moment where she let me in on the inner workings of her mind, she told me that if she told the truth, he was guaranteed to be mad, but if she lied, there was a chance she’d get out of it, and I was dumbstruck by the logic of her argument. She skipped away while I silently questioned my entire perspective of life.
That is absolutely amazing! And I think my #2 has a similar argument in his head when I catch him in a lie most days.
I don't have kids, but I'm glad I didn't spend four minutes reading something else. This is adorable and a little diabolical! Thanks for sharing!
Oh I am so glad you enjoyed it. It is always funny and surprising what resonates with others. I think there is so much content that focuses on deep and meaningful topics, that sometimes people just want a surface level OMG giggle!
Haha I’m Lindsey oldest daughter and don’t like zucchini and if she gives me any zucchini for dinner I’ll go hide them.
May the force be with you my child! Just be warned, you may be a Mama one day, so don't do anything now that you may regret if karma gets you 20+ years from now! 🤣
Hahahaaa what a delightful story! This sounds VERY similar to my younger daughter hiding her wet overnight pull-ups and claiming to have stayed dry.
However, I told this story to my older daughter who was lying next to me while I read it, and now I'm afraid I'm going to be finding zucchinis (her personal hated veg) in all corners of the house. Sleep with one eye open, I guess!
I really want to leave a witty comment, but I'm honestly still a bit in shock. Why? How? Why? Parenting is really next-level hard stuff...
It’s all about control. I am sure she was sick of her parents cajoling her to eat at least one veg - she wasn’t going to cave, so the only other option was to act and put on a grand performance for 5 years!
One of my sisters-in-law found a slit in the cushion of her chair at the dinner table. She managed to slip any unwanted food in that cushion for years!
Omg, I dread to think of what that looked like on discovery or the smell!
This find came while shooting (photographing) a job in Costa Rica for a start up from San Francisco. This was shoot we were doing in a resort and about the employees that cleaned the rooms. To gain more space in a room I had to move a nightstand and when I did an old and dusty pair of skimpy panties appeared. And no, I did not keep them.
Oh god, this made me giggle! 🤭 💜
That was a great job. Especially cuz I brought (smuggled) a bunch of edibles with me in bag of Gorp. Remember?
And now you have outed yourself to the whole Substack world! I don’t remember much these days, but I do remember that!
Omg! This is hysterical. Also, I’m legit terrified of this child. Like, sleep with your eyes open!
I’m her mom and she is truly the sweetest child in the world….and a bit of a sociopath.
😂 Kristen, I love this story so much.
OMG this had me snot laughing!!!! And I so needed that. ❤️